Two Stoners

Two teenagers are at a party and are caught smoking pot. The are cited and forced to go to court. In court the judge sees what good kids they are, and decides to cut them some slack.

"I will let you two off the hook if you convince at least 10 people each to stop doing drugs," the judge said.

After one week the kids come back to court to report there efforts.

The first kid tells the judge he got 15 of his friends to stop doing drugs.

"That's very impressive! How did you do it?" the judge asked.
"I used circles. First I showed them a large circle and told them this is what your brain is like now. Then I showed them a small circle and told them this is what your brain is like after you do drugs." the kid replied.
"And how did you do?" the judge asked the second kid.
"Psh, I got 200 kids to stop doing drugs," said the kid.
"O really," said the judge sarcastically, "and how did you manage that?"
"I also used circles," replied the kid, "I showed them a small circle and told them this is what your asshole looks like before prison..."

TMILF?

Milfs, got to love them. So I'm running down the street for my morning jog, when I see Johnny's mom come running down the street in her tight, revealing, sexy top. Oh, boy she was flopping like my dick in my pants. Of course after a few more moments my flopping stopped when hers did not. I went home and had a long hot shower and headed to Johnny's.

So, I'm chilling at Johnny's trying to be funny telling him about jacking off to his mom. I feel bad though, his dad had died several months earlier, so I kept away from the dad jokes. He get's so upset that he broke the family secret. He was screaming it he was likely to MURDER SOMEONE. The whole time I thought I was going to have to chop off my dick.



Johnny's mom divorced his dad. He really isn't dead. He's actually Johnny's "Mom II" He's a transexual MILF.

That's what she said!

Recently, I've had many very good opportunities to use the 'That's what she said!' joke. It takes a true genius to find the humour in some of them, but do I care? I find it funny. In everyday conversation, try saying 'That's what she said' after everything someone else says. If you're twisted enough, it will actually make sense, and be funny at least 80% of the time.

I'm hungry, can I have a bite out of that?
That's what she said!

Stop doing that, it's really annoying.
That's what she said!

[Your font is so small,] I can hardly see it.
That's what she said!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
That's what she said!

Stop saying "That's what she said". It's really starting to piss me off.
That's what she said!


Okay, so it doesn't ALWAYS make sense, but it does make sense enough times to get a good laugh out of it.

Randomness

Random conversation I had earlier:

(in the middle of a conversation)
Tom: Hey guys, what are you talking about?
Vivan: Daniel Radcliffe's penis, or lack thereof.


I don't know. I found it funny.

I have a Dad?!

So I was bashing away at the buttons on my X-Plorer guitar for Guitar Hero II.
Finally going to tackle Shout at the Devil on Expert mode!

*flash*
*click*

I stared at the now black screen in awe and anger.
My mother appeared from behind the entertainment unit.
I shot a long glare at her.

"Honey, your father and I both think you play too many video games..." she said.
I cut her off then and there.
"What the hell? I have a Dad?" I yelled.
"Well... yes, honey." came the reply from her.
"Wow. His manboobs were so big I thought you were a lesbian. Damn." I shot back.

Some people should just stay home.

Well, I was sitting in the airport last week waiting for my mom to arrive home from a business trip. She was late because of bad weather in Connecticut. She said they called in riot control because there was only one flight left until the next weekend. At this point I'm think that she should just buy a damn car and get her ass home, however, she managed to get on the plane. Apparently, the plane was delayed due to a man screaming on board because his luggage was on the ground during take-off. But, this is besides the point-- I was waiting at the airport with my good friend Rose.

Rose is very, very attractive. While we were sitting there we were laughing at ugly people, you know the type. The ones that think I'm the sexist person alive and there isn't anything you fuckers can do about it. Then I realized, when these people get dressed in the morning they look at themselves in the mirror and think, "Day-um, I look good today."

Now seriously folks, let's not lie to ourselves, the whole world knows your fugly. Get a clue, and don't bother even going outside.

Vegetarians Suck

Vegetarianism...the word itself reeks of weakness.

Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion, but I've never seen an opinion as wrong as this. Vegetarians, or as I like to call them, Pussies, deprive themselves of the delicious food we call meat. Any intelligent person knows that Meat = Testosterone, and without testosterone a man will turn into a blubbering vagina. His muscles will shrink, his hair will grow long and gross, and before you know it he will be wearing tie-dye clothes and singing in drum circles.

For those of you that are visual learners, I made a handy graph.

Wait, I know what you're thinking, "Ur so stereotypical!!1 Not all vegetarians are weak and stuff!"

You're right, I was generalizing a bit, and for that I apologize.

There are TWO types of vegetarians:
-those that say they don't eat meat because killing animals is wrong
-those that say they don't like the taste of meat

Let's start with the second type first, those who don't like the taste. Listen, buddy, you're not fooling anybody. Meat is the single most tasty food on earth. All vegetarians that "don't like the taste of meat," are really idiots who feeling killing animals is wrong, but don't want to be made fun of every time they are at a restaurant. Seriously, what kind of idiot would rather eat this than a turkey?

Now on to those that believe killing animals is wrong. What do you think our front 8 teeth are for? Pulverizing meat, thats what. If animals didn't want to be killed, they should stop tasting so good. If you ask me, it is people that eat vegetables that are cruel, at least animals have a chance to defend themselves. When is the last time you heard on the news of hikers being eaten by a tree?

Not convinced?
This guy is a vegetarian.
This guy ate meat.